The last time I was 9 days out, I did not feel like this. I'm happy, excited and ready to get on stage, yes still nervous and working on my "stage presence", which is not easy for me. I am exhausted feeling pretty banged up, but mentally I am in a much better place this time around. I have very little cravings where as last time I kept thinking about my cheat foods and glass of wine. Of course I will have something good and maybe even a drink, but its not something I obsess over like I did in the past.
Its not exactly easy to eat 100% clean all day for 12 weeks, but in doing so it made me realize I don't "need" those things like I thought I did, and to be honest the pleasure is so momentary and I usually feel like crap after eating junk. Not so much guilty, I literally feel sick, unmotivated and then comes the crash. So why bother?? I am by no means perfect, I am not saying I wont indulge EVER, but the point of it starts to make little sense when for a moment I'm in heaven but then spend the next few hours feeling yucky.
I have always been a really healthy eater, avoiding processed foods, instead choosing clean organic foods majority of the time. BUT when I wanted to cheat I did, and it usually set up a series of cheats. My attitude was well I eat so "good" all the time, I can be "bad" too, I earned it. Then after one cheat it was like well I blew it so I'll keep going and get back to being "good" on Monday. Monday night would sometimes be blown too. Well Tues-Fri I will be "perfect". I never even realized this until a few weeks ago as I was trying to figure out how I had gained 30 pounds over the course of about 4-5 years. Of course there was always the 10 sometimes 15 pound drop thanks to the diet of the month, I would feel good but it wouldn't last and I would slowly creep back to my higher weight. Then my "ideal" weight kept getting higher, because I thought the previous goal was impossible to get back to. It was just this non stop battle with myself. I thought I could only lose weight being on a "diet" was so gung ho at the start, then felt deprived and would fall off, and on and on and on...
This is exactly the reason I started to train for the show, I needed something that wouldn't allow me to get off track. The idea of being in a bikini onstage was scary enough to keep me in check. I remember saying to my trainer one day that I was so afraid of the "after" part of the journey, would I just revert back? It was easy to stay on point having a big challenge, what if there wasn't a countdown to "show day" keeping me in line?? Well the show ended, I had some of my favorite things and realized it was just ok. I preferred eating clean, I felt better, trained harder and had more energy.
Training this time has been for different reasons, because I wanted to do the actual competition and being in much better shape I had a better starting point, and wanted to push myself even harder. My goal is still to do my personal best, and I could care less about what place I come in, but I have to say I LOVE this sport! Is it for everyone? definitely not, but if I can do this anyone can..
Today was a good day, 5 am tough cardio session, noon training session and then posing with my trainer and his boss after.. Lots of laughs, James showing me how to "work it". Former body builder dude helping me with my stage walk! Its so necessary at this point of training to be able to belly laugh!!
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